Asking to be kidnapped and other nonsenses

The first year I was living here, about 5 years ago, Hugo came to visit me for the first time. You know how family is like: it doesn't matter how well you say you're doing, they want proof. So big bro came to witness my well-being.

We first met in Baltimore, where we went to the Virgin Mobile Festival and saw the dear Pumpkins live, along with Amy Winehouse, Incubus and Interpol - to name a few. Then went to NY where Muse performed an awesome concert at the Madison Square Garden, shopped until our pockets were empty and walked until our legs were numb. After missing the flight from NY and fitting on the next packed one, we headed home.

While at one of the airports, I don't remember which, I, exhausted, asked him to grab some napkins while I waited with our snacks before boarding. Two minutes passed, Hugo comes back just blasting out a laugh. You see someone laugh genuinely, it automatically makes you laugh too. I ask 'what's so funny?' He says 'I was afraid the lady was going to call security on me.' 'Why?' - I say. He goes on 'I meant to ask for napkins, but instead I said 'kidnapps!' If you've never been embarrassed while attempting to communicate in a language other than your own, don't laugh! Otherwise, go ahead! We still joke about it!

At another episode, we were out shopping (probably at Banana Republic since he loves that store) and came across jeans with all kinds of legs. He would read aloud and ask me 'butt cut?' I'd correct him 'boot cut.' Then he'd go 'aaah, boot coot!' Funny, but helpless.

That reminds me of some funny things I've said (and still say) myself. Once I was telling someone at work how, in Recife, everything is beautiful because we are so close to the 'bitch'. Of course I meant 'beach' but the lady's eyes got so big, I realized I had said something not quite right. It was too late. I didn't even bother correcting myself.

One of the worst came from my mom, who had just met my in-laws and, during a typical conversation, meant to say she was broke. When she was done with the attempt of PortuEnglish, Bill was laughing uncontrollably - she had just asked my father-in-law for money. Oh, mom!

On this same weekend, she also complained about having really skinny legs - we call them chicken legs in Portuguese. Her version? 'My legs are skinny like a cock!' Geez! In her defense, she speaks French and mixes the three languages to come up with some form of communication. I know no French, so I guess she went for 'cock' as a rooster or chicken. She didn't even know what it also means.

I'll leave you with these embarrassing moments for now, but there are so many more! They also go both ways - it's hilarious when Chris and his family attempt to speak Portuguese. Oh, boy...